Adieu~ Bête noire !

I have never really been honest, not even to this blog. I am just worried that some of my friends might read this and know some things they never knew about me, like how I prefer guys... haha! But after sometime, it is really stupid of me to even think so far. If my friends ever happen to chance upon this..... then good for them!

Friends that I have known in school knows about me, but not my army buddies, cousins and most of all, my parents. It's the most excurciating feeling that makes you feel like telling everyone but obviously they aren't going to accept this, especially in Singapore, where the govt are encouraging us to make more babies for the declining population! In fact, when you walk around the streets these days, you will see quite a bit of butches(or girls dressing up like guy). Somehow, our society is beginning to accept them altogether, which is really fascinating. The same can't be said for gays though. The funny thing is, everyone loves to stereotype gays to be the flamboyant, drama queen that TV always love to portray. The sad thing is, its quite true. Most of my gay friends are really like these, somehow it's like as if they are acting out this whole gay life shit, which I think is totally overblown.

Actually, Im not sure what am I. Even though I like guys, I don't like to hang out with my gay friends as I find them too superficial. I find things like gaypride and gay parades more like a place to make out then for anyone to make a stand. The same goes with my current boyfriend, whom I knew when we were in army. He's a really great, straight-acting guy. But I don't think he's gay. Our relationship, like I said earlier is really strange. I believe he likes girls but somehow there was something between us that made us click and become so close. Im not talking about anything that feels or sounds like cheese dogs here ok haha! Compared to my previous boyfriend, who was a closet guy who dreams of the "gay" life of having many gay friends and having sex at some parades, sniffy(my pet name for him LOL) isn't this way. Every now and then, I worry about the day he finds some girl that would replace me in his life, and my whole life would come tumbling down.

Sniffy is actually a very quiet and shy guy. I know we loved each other deeply when both of us actually cried when we had a fight. But there's something missing. He 's the type that waits for the other party to move first, and he doesn't have initiative! It's quite sad for me sometimes, since my previous boyfriend was more proactive and more sexual (hehe), Sniffy is almost asexual. We have quarreled about this many times but nothing seems to change. Worst is that both of us are busy working during weekdays and sometimes weekends. I am so willing to spend my off days with him even though im dead tired but he doesn't want to meet up, or he goes to play soccer! I have cried many times and I know im a useless shithead but I really love him. I feel so monotonous, and he never tells me how he feels. Hell he's even too shy to say I love you! It's such a pathetic relationship but I want to keep it. Someday, this could be one of my best moments or the worst letdowns in my books. Sigh.