Lost but not found

What the hell is wrong with the world...... Everything is not going right. And I feel like I have been ditched the second time. Im having a phobia of going to work these days, I feel a rush of anxiety whenever I head up the stairs to my office, not the kind of anxiety you feel when you have sex but the vomitty and sick feeling instead, it feels so bad that I wanna roll down the stairs and never come back.

Just when I thought I had a second chance in love, someone (my poly ex actually) pluck the cupid arrows out of us! This is so unexpected. I know my past relationships haven't been any easier either. In secondary school, my relationship with guys are always hidden, only when night falls then these sick bastards would call me for no apparent reason(I swear I didn't seduce them!) and you know whats. In poly I had a good boyfriend but somehow there's something wrong with him. Whenever I kiss him I felt nothing. Not until I met my boyfriend from army did I sense something "real". Cause when we kissed, everything seemed to have stopped, and I would embrace him completely. Unlike when im kissing my poly ex, where all I would think about is his teeth knocking into mine and stuff.

My love life is never perfect, but it felt great, even though it was really fucking hard to keep things going. Especially the secondary school relationships, which I know im just a tool for them, cause after they found girlfriends they completely ignored me. Maybe that's why I have become what I am now, someone whose desperately seeking for constant love. How I wish I can be alone, but I can't, I tried my fucking best but I'm such a weakling.

The latest hitch was such a blow to me. He seemed alright and great until I found out he's my ex's housemate! At first it seemed okay, not until later when I realize how much an impact your ex can do when he knows who you are dating. We just spent one night sleeping together(not doing anything I swear!) and my ex got cold towards us. For god's sake he's already sleeping with someone else and he dared tell my friend I was he's best love (SCREW HIM!) Now my dear guy feels very guilty and he told me we shouldn't be too close..... I'm like what the hell is wronggg...I'm just devastated ..... and maybe he wants to deter me and he told me he treats me like a bro....

Fuck when we were sleeping together he was the one who was constantly trying to touch me.....and we ended up hugging in the end. I remember in the middle of the night when I rolled over to face him he kissed me.....Do bros do that??!! I could go on forever....maybe I should blog more entries..