Lost but not found

What the hell is wrong with the world...... Everything is not going right. And I feel like I have been ditched the second time. Im having a phobia of going to work these days, I feel a rush of anxiety whenever I head up the stairs to my office, not the kind of anxiety you feel when you have sex but the vomitty and sick feeling instead, it feels so bad that I wanna roll down the stairs and never come back.

Just when I thought I had a second chance in love, someone (my poly ex actually) pluck the cupid arrows out of us! This is so unexpected. I know my past relationships haven't been any easier either. In secondary school, my relationship with guys are always hidden, only when night falls then these sick bastards would call me for no apparent reason(I swear I didn't seduce them!) and you know whats. In poly I had a good boyfriend but somehow there's something wrong with him. Whenever I kiss him I felt nothing. Not until I met my boyfriend from army did I sense something "real". Cause when we kissed, everything seemed to have stopped, and I would embrace him completely. Unlike when im kissing my poly ex, where all I would think about is his teeth knocking into mine and stuff.

My love life is never perfect, but it felt great, even though it was really fucking hard to keep things going. Especially the secondary school relationships, which I know im just a tool for them, cause after they found girlfriends they completely ignored me. Maybe that's why I have become what I am now, someone whose desperately seeking for constant love. How I wish I can be alone, but I can't, I tried my fucking best but I'm such a weakling.

The latest hitch was such a blow to me. He seemed alright and great until I found out he's my ex's housemate! At first it seemed okay, not until later when I realize how much an impact your ex can do when he knows who you are dating. We just spent one night sleeping together(not doing anything I swear!) and my ex got cold towards us. For god's sake he's already sleeping with someone else and he dared tell my friend I was he's best love (SCREW HIM!) Now my dear guy feels very guilty and he told me we shouldn't be too close..... I'm like what the hell is wronggg...I'm just devastated ..... and maybe he wants to deter me and he told me he treats me like a bro....

Fuck when we were sleeping together he was the one who was constantly trying to touch me.....and we ended up hugging in the end. I remember in the middle of the night when I rolled over to face him he kissed me.....Do bros do that??!! I could go on forever....maybe I should blog more entries..

If it was less..would it be more?

The weekend went by quite quickly. Managed to rest sufficiently but I still have dark circles( damn!). Yesterday, I had dinner with some new gay friends. It wasn't that bad actually, even though it was quite a mess in the kitchen while we were preparing the dishes. Remember the guy(let's call him B) whom I talked about on the previous post? I think I kinda like him haha! Partly because he was there so I considered going (yes slut bitch whatever!) Somehow, im not really sure if he likes me the same way; either he's playing hard to get, or I'm just dumb and ignorant, which can't be the case since I'm such a sensitive Libra ;)

I know someone else is chasing him, and apparently, B's not really interested in him! But B can be quite a jerk sometimes. While we were having dinner on Thursday, B told me he gave the poor fellow dental floss during Valentine's Day, cause B felt that he needed some ! OMG I don't know what the hell was he doing, maybe he wanted to get rid of the guy.

Maybe he's trying to play with my feelings, and worst of all I'm in such a pathetic venerable state now. He has recently started to message and call me on a daily basis now so I guess we will see how it goes. I have learnt not to expect much these days, knowing if I do and things don't really turn out the way it should be, I'm the one getting hurt.

The thing that I'm most disappointed about is my fiance management. It's still the same as 3 months ago, when I could barely survive when the end of the month arrives. I NEED to save money no matter what! Urghh Something needs to be done.

Sometimes, it feels great just to seek comfort food in a nice lazy afternoon. For me, that would be a nice hot bowl of peanut soup with sesame-filled rice balls in Chinatown! Yum!!!

Long long time

It's been quite a while since I last updated, and quite a bit happened over these few days. One of my closer pals from poly is leaving for studies in Aussie tom, somehow I feel a part of me disappearing along with her.

It's funny how friends work. Some people get to know more and more as they grow older, while some know lesser. As for me, it seems that my circle of friends is slowly dissolving away. Now, I will have one less friend who will accompany me in town to stare at cute guys, even though she would often object heehhe!

Last weekend, I had the honor of having my first date since my breakup. At first, it sounded like a great date-to be, blading at East coast beach with a cute guy. Somehow, along the way, that didn't happened. Instead, I was not greeted by one but four guys. You might think that I am counting my blessings until I tell you one of them was my poly ex whom I haven't seen for like 3 years. Ok, so this guy was my ex's housemate and gladly, there was no awkward moments when we met. Somehow, I felt different from them, or maybe I seldom hang out with a group of gay men, blading along a beach and knowing almost every other gay man(shirtless nonetheless) that crossed our path. Suddenly, East coast park didn't seem that family friendly after all.

Im not feeling any better inside. I still feel what I felt 2 months ago and that sucked. A few days ago, my most recent ex finally had the courage to text me first. And I'm glad he did. I don't want to hold a grudge on someone forever, especially to the one that I loved so much and got so badly hurt by. He finally got out of his hole and started to search for jobs and going for interviews. And I'm happy for him. Even though I know deep inside we can never be like how we did last time, I don't want to lose another good friend, but bad lover. In the end, I think im the one whose still hiding in the hole, waiting for nothing.

I just love sappy songs...

You told me
you told me if I never change
you will wrap me in your arms again
filled with joy and happiness
a place where time doesn't matter
where nothing comes between us
and we share one moment together

I will come out of the rain
waiting upon you
hoping you'll do the same
and till we meet again
I will remember the words you said

Life or something like that

I had an enjoyable swim this morning. The sun was up, there were no annoying kids splashing water around and I had the lane all by myself. As I happily showered in the changing room, wishing every weekend swim would be like this, something happened. I heard the cubicle next to mine became occupied, but I didn't bother. Just as I was leathering up my legs with soap, I saw a small pocket mirror peep out of the bottom compartment of my cubicle! The asshole was surprised that I saw it, and immediately jerked back the freaking mirror. A rush of noise came out of the cubicle next door and before I knew it, the peeping tom had ran out of the changing room. There's was no one else besides me and the unfortunate guest.

I felt dirty and exposed. I felt like I was physically raped apart. I know of such horrid acts happening in the pool toilets, I even saw one guy peeping at another. But never have I been peep at(not that I want to! Gross!). It's really brainless and I'm not at all scared for myself, but more for the kids that might have been preyed on. So who ever that was, you are one sick son of a bitch, and you are so bringing the name down with your selfless acts. Oh well, the harm was done, no amount of scrubbing will relieve me of that experience (haha). I wished that I had seen that ass's face, but I know he is some ugly deprived uncle, usually the case. But I don't mind wishing it was some cute hunky dude though (LOL so not the moment to joke but who cares!) On a happier note(trying), my cousin took some really great pics of my marine tank that I would like to share. I know my stupid Sony cam won't do such wonders, it's a useless expensive trash.

My babies, i have 8 fishes altogether and they are greedy buggers, like me haha!

Great colours from the corals, wished my stupid digi cam could take that. Urghh.